Single Dad, Shitty Mom

Or: How I Learned that Parental Alienation is REAL

The Here and Now #4: Happy Birthday to Me


Yesterday, March 21st, was my 41st birthday. Most of the day was nice, but unremarkable; people at work were very nice, I got LOTS of Facebook birthday greetings, and my lady gave me some good stuff. The most remarkable/unremarkable thing that happened to me on my 41st birthday was that I spoke to my daughter, Maya, for nearly 30 minutes last night. It’s unremarkable because I have a great relationship with my daughter. It’s remarkable, because it was the first time I had spoken to her since October.

As I’m typing this, her mother (who is known as “crazy”) texted me to tell me how “inappropriate” my conversation was with my daughter. Her definition of “inappropriate” was me telling Maya that she should come visit me soon, and that her brother and her step-mom Christina and the rest of my family miss her, and that she needs to call more and text me, and Facetime me more. THAT was what was “inappropriate.” Oh, and she also said that I “demanded” that Maya stay on the phone, even though she told me that she had homework to do (a 7 year old doing homework at 8pm on a school night?!). Her definition of “demanded” was me saying “Come on now, honey– I haven’t talked to you in a long time! At least you can give me a few minutes– I want to see how you are!” THAT was “demanded”. Asshole…

“Crazy” had the call on speakerphone, so that she could hear everything that I said– of course.  Which is fine, because I was recording the call with my iPad, so I don’t care what she did or didn’t hear– I have NOTHING TO HIDE. This all started because “crazy” sent me a text last night to tell me that Maya wanted to wish me a Happy Birthday. I called bullshit on this because “crazy” has done NOTHING to facilitate phone conversations, visits, or ANYTHING ELSE in MONTHS! She has ONLY told me that Maya is mad at me because I “stole her toys”– which is “crazy” speak for the fact that I took on of Maya’s toys as punishment because of her behavior. THAT is theft to “crazy”, and a accusation that she was allowing Maya to believe. Or so I thought.

Anyway, I got this text from “crazy”, and I texted her back “Then she can call or Facetime me.” Much to my and Christina’s surprise, the phone rang about 5 minutes later. I answered, and was greeted with “Hi Daddy! Happy Birthday!!!” MUSIC. TO. MY. EARS. As far as I was concerned, my birthday wasn’t going to get any better than THAT moment. It did.

When Maya and I spoke on the phone, it was as if we had just seen each other last week. There was no anger in her voice, or in any of the things that she said to me. She mentioned NOTHING about the “stolen toys” that her mother complained about. Maya told me about her new Skylanders figures (it’s part of a Wii game). She told me about school, and she asked me about her brother. I told her all the new things that he was doing– his new words, his sense of humor, EVERYTHING! “He’s a whole new baby!” I said to her. We both laughed and joked and had a GREAT conversation!

You know what all of this proves? It proves that the problem is NOT with me and Maya…it’s EXCLUSIVELY with “crazy”! Now I didn’t need any proof of that, I KNOW what the situation is. But the fact that “crazy” had to text me to tell me how “inappropriate” my conversation was, and threatening me about bringing this up in court (which I HOPE she does, but she won’t), when ALL this situation does is PROVE that she is ACTING OUT OF MALICE which is ANTITHETICAL to her responsibility as the custodial parent to nurture a healthy relationship with the other parent. She tells the courts that I have anger management issues, and that Maya is afraid of me, and is mad at me…but the REALITY is COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

This is what these people do, ladies and gentlemen. See, “crazy” thought that she was serving herself by having Maya call me– “This will make me look like the responsible parent! He can’t say that his daughter didn’t call him on his birthday!” The problem for “crazy” is that this plan backfired on her. She was totally expecting Maya to speak to me on the phone for a few moments, and that would be it. She did NOT expect that Maya would WANT to talk to me, and laugh with me…and then Maya invited me to her communion! THAT was something that I KNOW that “crazy” was not expecting! “Crazy” shot herself in the foot by putting her own argument against me into doubt. One only needs to hear the conversation between Maya and I to see that there is no love lost between the two of us.

I’ve said it before, and I will continue to say it: crazy is sloppy. That’s crazy without quotes– meaning that people that act this way will ALWAYS screw up. And you need to be on your toes to capture it. As soon as Maya spoke, I jumped up from the sofa, grabbed my iPad, and started recording. The idiotic text message that “crazy” sent me will go into the archives as evidence. THESE ARE THE THINGS WE ALL HAVE TO DO!!! I’ve also said this before, YOU ARE BATMAN! You have to be the detective that gathers information and builds the case, AND you have to be the hero to save your kids from the toxic, immature, obnoxious, sloppy, and moronic behavior of the alienators. I know it’s a lot of work– the LAST thing I wanted to do was try to scramble to record this phone conversation with my daughter, but I HAD NO CHOICE. “Crazy” is the one that created this situation, and is continuing to perpetuate it, even when her own plan blew up in her face! This fuck-up on her part won’t stop her from continuing to act out. This WON’T stop until we get into court. Actually, it WILL start to stop once she gets the summons in the mail about her alienating behavior. I can predict it now– if she doesn’t make a beligerent call (she knows I record them), she will send nasty text messages (which I will keep, of course), which will THEN lead to her FINALLY getting Maya back to visiting me. But by then it will be too late…on top of the fact that the court will notice that and ask her “Why now?” The best part is that “crazy” FALLS APART in front of a judge, so…bullshit only gets you so far.

So Happy Birthday to Me!! I had a great conversation with my little girl, which in turn made “crazy” look A LOT WORSE! Sure, the later is a bit petty…but fuck it. I’m at war. WE’RE ALL at war, with these horrible, shitty people! You don’t win wars with empathy. We must be ruthless and undeniable. ANY dirtbag that fucks with our kids deserves nothing more than that. We didn’t start this…but we WILL finish this…because, we have no choice.



3 thoughts on “The Here and Now #4: Happy Birthday to Me

  1. So glad that you had that wonderful conversation with your daughter on your birthday! My last birthday was one of the last times I got to see my daughter (who is now 15) – it was wonderful to have her with me. Interestingly, it was also my 41st birthday.

    Cherish that conversation, and take heart that she does adore you and is unfortunately caught in an impossible place that is not her fault. Just having reassurance of that from a simple phone call can do wonders for your spirits.

  2. Happy Birthday to you! What a wonderful gift you got :). Thank you for writing back, I read all of your comments and you are doing everything right. Just keep recording, keeping logs, jotting down notes, and heed the advice of your counsel. You will eventually live out these next few years until your little girl turns 18 but always remember: NEVER become complacent. Father’s Rights are non-existent in our current time but with men like my husband, and you, and all of the non-custodial fathers in America, beginning to TALK, it will become an excruciating revolution that will shape and better the family court system.

    I see in your writings how passionate you are about the right thing- being in your daughter’s life. I am here to tell you, from ten years (and 7 1/2 more to go) of this, don’t exhaust yourself. You will be amazed at how anger and exhaustion will ruin your life, your health, your looks. NEVER EVER feel guilty for moving on from “Crazy”. NEVER EVER feel guilty for building the life you have always wanted and the family you want. Don’t martyr yourself for the next few years of your life- thoroughly enjoy it with your fiancée and new baby, and take any contact you can get. It WILL be bad at times, you WILL hear the brainwashing coming out of your daughter’s mouth, she WILL hate you one second, but not the next… I could go on- and I probably will as you write more, HA!

    It is perfectly okay to miss your daughter, but be very careful as to how much you grieve over your current situation. My husband and I have learned that “it is what it is” and not get wrapped up in the legal system. The legal system is NOT DESIGNED TO HELP YOU. If you never get any type of custody or legal justice, you just hold on to your collection of evidence and when your daughter turns 18 and has questions (which I promise you, she will), you will be locked and loaded. Not as a final, “Ha! Your mother is nuts”, but, “I have ALWAYS tried and NEVER given up on you.”

    Prepare for Maya to be used as your ex’s shield and main offense if you ever so much as have a glitch in your child support. Good flippin’ grief- the act gets old… “Daddy, why didn’t you pay Mommy child support? You’re a horrible Dad! You are always behind on child support!” My husband and I have been where you are right now and if I can get anything through to you right now about child support?, it would be: treat it as a car payment that you’ll have until she’s 18. Not treating MAYA as a car payment, but don’t get ticked at all about paying child support. You know darn well it’s not going to Maya anyway. You will have to pay it, that will never change, your ex will flaunt her wasting it in your face, just let those monies go. (Because at times, you WILL get p**sed). And don’t let your obligation of child support force you to live in fear. If you so happen to miss a payment because you change jobs or any other circumstance, simply call your lawyer, call the county clerk, and ask what to do to get back on track. My husband recently took the federal Family Medical Leave thing, where he gets 12 weeks of unpaid leave without recourse. He took a good chunk of it because I was on bedrest before I gave birth. I gave birth on Feb. 1 and his checks since then have been screwy. Meaning, the full amount of child support per check wasn’t deducted, it was altered. The court provided temporary payment coupons and I simply wrote the State a check- boom, done. His ex just about lost her crap though because her free paycheck to mooch didn’t come in on time. He just got an email from her asking if he wanted to give up his rights, because he “is behind on child support again”. We just shake our head (laughing) now. And remember, you NEVER have to talk to your ex. You NEVER have to respond to her emails, texts, voicemails- nothing. Maya will be just fine. Don’t let “Crazy” monopolize your emotions and make you worry.

    I read parts of the post where you say that your employer provides legal services, to my husband. His eyes got wide and he said, as serious as a heart attack, “He needs to stay there until his kid is 18.” I haven’t a clue if you are aware, but you are amazingly blessed to have that resource of legal services available AND at the costs you speak of. Use that resource and use it often! And another thing, ALWAYS HAVE LEGAL COUNSEL ON RETAINER. ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS. You have no idea how great it feels to have representation. My husband has had the same lawyer for six years now (when the custody/ support case was established) and he knows all the ins and outs of the case. You really need to get to that point. Get and keep a lawyer that likes you, gets to know you, is in it for the JUSTICE (not the lawyer fees), and is willing to go to battle for you before the Judge. Don’t think for a second that there aren’t good men and women out there that are in the law profession for the money, and not the justice. Lawyers are some of the most passionate people in the world.

    For now, I’ll stop… But I promise you that the tides DO turn, and you’re not far off. We knew the tides were sloooooowly turning for the past two-ish years with my two stepsons, but an event happened this past September with the psycho ex that confirmed it. There is nothing on this planet that she can say or do to my stepsons to EVER steal them away from us again (in their hearts). She will continue to be an idiot, play the “custodial parent” card– which is stupid, as you know, blow through child support on herself every month, and lie, lie, lie. And continue to be a parasite and psycho.

    There’s so much more I could still write! You’ve got my support, my husband is rooting for you too, and believe it or not, you are one man, but you are a pioneer in this fight for Father’s Rights. What you say and write can, and may, touch the heart and mind of another non-custodial father, and in turn, help him too. We’re all brothers and sisters in this fight for Father’s Rights, and it is high time that justice ceases to be the pink elephant in the courtroom.

    🙂 Liz

    • Thank you SO MUCH for your amazing comments, Liz. E thing that has been incredible to me since I’ve started talking about this is the fact that I am NOY alone in this. You can certain,y feel that way when the ex’s bubble of misinformation and lies gets big. But I have been hopeful because she SO EASILY falls apart in court. I hate having to spend all this time and money on this garbage, but it’s an unfortunate necessity. But you’re right– it will all end when she turns 18.

      Thanks again, Liz. I wish you, your husband, and the kids well. And I look forward to hearing for you again soon!

      Sent from my iPad

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