In the overly-litigious society that we live in today, the word “lawyer” is met with its share of scorn and frustration. I think most of these feelings are perpetuated by those who are beaten by “good” lawyers. For those who have ended up on the losing side of courtroom argument, nothing can be as harsh and as ego-bruising as a room full of people who are basically either calling you a liar, or telling you that your accusations or claims are false, unworthy of merit, and not worth further consideration. These are arguments lost, and won, by how well a lawyer represents your side of the story.
Now, even a BAD lawyer can win a case if the opposing side has little or no evidence to back up their claims. But a good lawyer could lose a case for the same reasons; if their client has no ground to support their accusations, OR if they have no evidence to support their innocence. This could make ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD to those of us who have to spend 5-10-20 years in court, essentially fighting the same battles OVER, AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Personally, I’ve been in court battles since 2008– having to bring in a judge because the opposing party in my case (known on this blog as “crazy”), has decided to TRY to make my life difficult by using my daughter as a pawn in her toxic, emotionally-crippled game. It’s selfish, obnoxious, hurtful, counter-productive…a PURE WASTE of time, energy, and money. The main thing that makes these constant trips to the courtroom so wasteful is that I have collected a pile of evidence and proof that is so anti-thetical to her false narrative that even her own lawyers and the judges presiding the cases grow weary and tired of her.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a lawyer. I used to LOVE “The People’s Court”, then hosted by Judge Joe Wapner (back in the good ‘ol 1980s), then later on “Divorce Court” with Judge William Keene, and later than that was “Judge Judy”. I would watch people on these shows make one accusation after another…but when the judges started questioning them…POP-POP-POP! went the holes in their stories. It doesn’t take much to call out a liar. ALL IT TAKES is a steady and consistent line of questioning.
“Crazy” has stories a-plenty, let me tell you! The problem is that when you start asking follow-up questions…she stutters, babbles, folds and falls flat on her face. It’s because it takes A LOT OF ENERGY to lie! Not only do you have to remember the lies you told, but then you have to come up with OTHER LIES to supplement the previous lies– it’s a lot of keep track of. The liar could then be asked a question that they did not consider previously, and will have to then “improv” their lies on the spot. The new lies are NEVER as stable as the other lies that they told before.
It’s EASY for the alienators to concoct their bullshit in the comfort of their own bubble, where they can control the flow of information. Their own bubble is usually their parents, siblings, friends, co-workers, etc. These are people that either believe the alienator, OR they KNOW the alienator is not being honest, but couldn’t be bothered to challenge them. I know a few of “crazy’s” friends that don’t really come around anymore. Know why? Because they challenged her behavior– the did NOT believe the false narrative. So now, they are useless to the alienator, and they are closed off out of the bubble.
It’s not enough to KNOW these things are going on. I know I’ve said this a few times in this blog, and I will say it OVER AND OVER again, so get used to it, because you NEED to be…DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. Everything? YES, EVERYTHING!!! Every phone call, every text message, every voice mail message, police reports, every visit, EVERYTHING needs to be documented, recorded, and ARCHIVED. I’ve been doing this since 2008– FIVE YEARS. And YOU NEED TO DO IT. And please, NO OFFENSE to you ladies out there reading this blog– there are women who will walk into a lawyer’s office with some sobbing victim story, that they will take to the court room with them, with a lawyer’s help in the spin and courtroom performance. Unfortunately, it is OFTEN IMPLIED that YOU, the male, are IN THE WRONG. You have to realize how POWERFUL and VALIDATING it is to be able to present evidence in court– not hearsay, but CONCRETE EVIDENCE– that proves that she is lying. NOTHING can be as EMPOWERING in these situations to have that stern, cold eye of justice pointed in the OTHER direction!
You have to be prepared, even before you go to a lawyer, and ESPECIALLY if you decided to go into court without one. Whether or not your child was born out of wedlock, resulting from a one-night stand, caught in the middle of a divorce– DOESN’T MATTER. The MOMENT you start suspecting issues, START DOCUMENTING. If this has been going on for years, DOESN’T MATTER– START DOCUMENTING. Go through old emails and texts, DON’T COPY-AND-PASTE, take SCREENSHOTS! Start recording ALL telephone conversations– I don’t care if you’re using an iPad or a cassette recorder– RECORD THEM ALL– good, bad, boring, 15 second, 1/2 an hour, DOESN’T MATTER. You have to CATCH these people in the act– the more often, the better! YOUR JOB is to keep track of, and make records, that illustrate a pattern of behavior that proves your point. Keep a journal documenting ALL encounters with your children AND the custodial parent, so that time won’t interfere with the accuracy of the recounts of events.
The most important thing of all: DON’T LIE. BE HONEST ABOUT EVERYTHING. Warts and all, you have to tell the truth. It’s a LOT EASIER to tell the truth than to keep up with the lies. You may get to a point when you are cross-examined by his/her lawyer. If you’re telling the truth, that’s all you have to do– TELL IT. Even when they try to trip you up with tricky courtroom games– which is what a lawyer will do when they have NO CASE– as long as you are consistent, direct, BREIF, and honest…that makes your side of the story a difficult one to contend with.
You have to play and replay this situation in your head. You have to teach yourself how to play “devil’s advocate” with yourself– take HER SIDE of the story and think HONESTLY…does she have a point? Is she in the right to keep your kids away from you? BE HONEST. If you can’t, within all reason and personal accountability, if you CAN NOT think of ANY WAY that she has a valid point…you’re in good shape. However, if you DO find that you’re in the wrong for WHATEVER reason…you need to make amends. That may mean that you contact this person, tell them you want to talk, and TALK. Maybe you can find some common ground that won’t require legal action. Maybe you’ve hit a rough patch and you both are able to realize that the kids are more important than this foolishness. But if you’re like me, and you are dealing with someone who is not capable of reason, full of spite, anger and bitterness, and who’s undiagnosed mental illness has not only gotten worse, but has taken control and is attempting to jeopardize your relationship with your child…At that point, there is no amount of discussion or conversation that will change the situation.
Believe it or not, the tide of opinions regarding the implied “truth” of women is changing. In other words, in many cases, it’s not been enough for a woman to play victim and get rewarded for it. What we men have to do is SPEAK UP with FACTS and EVIDENCE. And look, I get it– it’s a PAIN IN THE ASS to have to get the equipment ready, to comb through old emails, all that stuff– I get it…but TOUGH SHIT. These are your kids we’re talking about here. If you say “I’d do ANYTHING for my kids!”…this is when you prove it. DON’T let YEARS go by with no contact because that shrew you’re dealing with won’t GIVE YOU your parental rights. You MAY go weeks, or even months…but DON’T let it go YEARS. Send your kids letters/email/texts, send them a present here and there– AND KEEP TRACK OF ALL OF IT! Receipts, scans, photocopies, snapshots…
You have to THINK like a lawyer in order to gain the perspective you need to make this situation right. You have to look at yourself, flaws and faults and all, and REALLY THINK about whether or not you are a victim of a person who is purposefully alienating your child from you by NO FAULT OF YOUR OWN. You have to be able to SHOW and PROVE that this is happening. You can’t put a criminal in jail without proof…same goes for an alienator: you won’t have justice if you can’t show their lies.
TO BE CONTINUED