Single Dad, Shitty Mom

Or: How I Learned that Parental Alienation is REAL

The Here and Now #5: Reunited All Over Again…with Unexpected Allies

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It finally happened– after 6 months of unnecessary idiocy, emotional immaturity, and counterproductive behavior, I FINALLY got to see my daughter Maya yesterday morning!

This is the second time in 2013 that I have had ANY interaction with my daughter– the first time being on my birthday (March 21st). We didn’t have too much time together– I had enough time to take her out for breakfast and help her plant some vegetables at her grandparent’s house…but we had a WONDERFUL time! It was a GREAT time– as it ALWAYS IS/WAS/HAS BEEN/WILL ALWAYS BE! For those who are seeing this post out of context, I’ll explain briefly:

Six months ago, Maya’s mother (known on this blog by her nickname “crazy“) created a situation that so disrupted my visitation time that I had NO TIME at all. For reasons YET to be determined, Maya– after visiting me for weekend visits for the last 5 years– started acting out whenever I picked her up. This went on for 3 months, with “crazy” only instigating Maya’s issues as opposed to working to fix them– primarily because Maya’s issues were not her own…they were her MOTHERS’. “Crazy” decided that she not only  wouldn’t help with fixing the situation, she’s decided to abdicate her custodial parental duties in favor of fostering her toxic and dysfunctional behavior.

“Crazy” told EVERYONE that would listen that Maya was “afraid” of me, that I had “anger issues”, and was threatening and harassing her and Maya– NONE of which, of course, is true…but that is her narrative. This is what alienators do– we ALL know this. They make things up. They’ll take 15-20% of the facts, then spin that into a full story/history! Ever have a cup of coffee filtered with only 3 coffee beans? That is how WEAK her narrative is– which is evident in my interactions with my daughter.

This visit would have probably never happened if it weren’t for a few circumstances in place. First off, I had my lawyer request the visit via HER lawyer. Now, I hate to say this, but it’s true…going through lawyers instead of dealing with “crazy” directly has resulted in the MOST PRODUCTIVE INTERACTIONS I’VE EVER HAD WITH “CRAZY”– in the 10 years I’ve known her! I say things to my lawyer, he passes the info on to “crazy’s” lawyer, “crazy” argues with her lawyer, her lawyer talks sense into her, her lawyer contacts my lawyer, my lawyer contacts me– BOOM. No arguing with stupidity and unchecked emotional and psychological issues— DIRECT RESULTS!

Basically, “crazy” wanted me to sign and notarize a consent form, allowing her to get a passport for Maya. She sent this to me a few weeks ago– STILL not allowing me to see my daughter (the nerve, right?!). So I suggested that I would drop off the form, then take Maya out to breakfast. “Crazy” agreed.

She happened to be out of town, or on a date, or something– so I would meet up with Maya at her grandparents– “crazy’s” parents– house. Now, for those of you in a similar situation, this is where things get tricky. These are the parents of the woman/man who has made it their mission in life to make YOUR LIFE miserable. It’s their family– how the HELL is THIS going to pan out? What do THEY think of you? What will they SAY to you? How will they react to the fact that you haven’t seen your kid– and moreover, the fact that your ex more-than-likely LIED to them about the reasons why you haven’t seen your kids…!

A female friend of mine told me once that women like “crazy” are not as crafty and convincing as they THINK they are. People like “crazy” work HARD at maintaining the bubble that houses their narrative! The problem for people like “crazy” is that this bubble is TRANSPARENT. My friend told me that EVERYONE in “crazy’s” life– friends and family alike– KNOW HER well enough to know when she is full of shit. She maybe telling them a bunch of things…but her friends and family don’t believe her, and CONSTANTLY question her behavior and motives.

Long story-short (too late..!), I got to the house a few minutes early– they were to return from church shortly. When the car pulled up, and the back car door opened, and Maya jumped out…she saw my car, then saw me get out, and yelled “DADDY!!!” She ran to me and jumped into my arms. Then “crazy’s” parents greeted me…and they were very pleasant. They were, in fact, THRILLED that I was there to take Maya out! They took pictures, and were VERY supportive– which was QUITE a relief for me, I can assure you!

It goes without saying that my 90 minute with my daughter were as well spent as they could have been. The bulk of the visit was spent alone in a booth at a diner- just the two of us- enjoying a big breakfast.  We talked about school, her toys, her new hobbies, her friends, and stuff…we also talked about what had transpired the last time we had seen each other. She did not want to talk about it at first, but I insisted that I just wanted to say a few things, and that we could totally drop it and move on to other things. As I explained the situation, I made it a point to tell her that this was NOT HER FAULT. I told Maya as straight as I could, and without totally disparaging “crazy”, that her mother is doing things that are getting in the way of our relationship. I told Maya that I didn’t know why her mother was doing these things, but that I was doing everything I could to fix things. That was when Maya started to pull her self out of the booth. For a moment, I thought that she was going to run away or something– I didn’t know what she was going to do. She came over to my side of the booth, jumped into my lap, and started sobbing. It’s enough to break your heart– and it broke mine…but I was SO RELIEVED, because SHE GOT IT. She understood what was going on, and she HATED it! I was heart broken because my little girl only wants to love and be loved…she doesn’t want to have to “pick” and “decide” between one parent or another– which is EXACTLY what “crazy” is damn-near FORCING her to do! And that made me angrier than I had been previously.

One of the MANY things that I despise about “crazy” as a person is what she is willing to do to HER OWN CHILD’S emotional well-being…ONLY to satiate her OWN ego and issues…it’s fucking sick. It’s disgusting. It’s needless and UNNECESSARY. How many of us have to watch our children struggle because our ex’s are addicted to being assholes? It’s not right. IT’S NOT FAIR.

Keeping in line with everything I’ve discussed here, I recorded the breakfast chat between my and my daughter. I HATED doing it– hated having to take out my phone, start up the voice recorder app, then set the phone face-down on the table, so as to not draw attention to it. I KNOW I don’t need to prove how great my relationship is with my daughter…but lawyers, social workers, and judges DO need that proof. However, I wish that I had kept the recorder running the entire time I was there, not to capture what my daughter was saying…but what her GRAND PARENTS were saying.

The “unexpected allies” I mention in the title of this post are the grand parents– not your parents, but your ex’s parents. In my case, I have had a rather complicated relationship with “crazy’s” parents. Through it all, however, we had always come to a general understanding: “crazy” is the problem. Talk about getting it– “crazy’s” parents KNOW her better than I do. They can see right through “crazy’s”…well, craziness. It’s her parents that had originally told me that 80% of what comes out of “crazy’s” mouth is a lie. They KNOW that their daughter is problematic– they’ve even acknowledged their responsibility in their not doing enough to deal with these issues when “crazy” was younger. Now she is nearly 40, and trapped in the dysfunctional and emotionally crippled mindset of a 16 year old.

Before I left their house, “crazy’s” mother confided in me her concerns. Now, I won’t go into too much detail, but here is the bottom line in what she explained to me: She and her husband are concerned, first and foremost, with Maya’s well-being; Maya needs both her daddy AND her mommy. It is clear that “crazy” is interfering with that– for whatever reasons she has…which are reasons that are NOT in Maya’s best interests. “Crazy’s” behavior, being antithetical to Maya’s best interests, have put them in a position where they cannot defend “crazy”. And if they cannot defend her…they will not vouch for her when “shit” goes down. In other words…when it comes to their grand daughter, IF they had to choose, they may have to “sell out” their OWN daughter due to the situation she has created. THAT is a conversation that I WISHED I had recorded…but I did not, because I wasn’t prepared. Learn from my mistakes– BE PREPARED!

So there you have it! Six months of bullshit later, and I get to spend 90 minutes alone with my little girl. And “crazy” is angry and bitter because Maya and I had such a great time together. And that’s a good thing, believe it or not! The more she reacts negatively, the MORE she will have to EXPLAIN THAT TO A JUDGE! Remember– all you have is the truth…and that’s ALL you need. The behavior of the alienator speaks for itself! But it doesn’t hurt to have evidence, AND allies. Remember, these people are more wrapped up in spinning and managing their lies and false narratives– so you HAVE TO put yourself in a position to be 10 steps ahead of her. Don’t focus on temporary victories– your goals should be long-term. Ignore the alienator, focus on your kids.

TO BE CONTINUED….

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7 thoughts on “The Here and Now #5: Reunited All Over Again…with Unexpected Allies

  1. Charles, everything will be fine once you are in front of the judge. Maya loves you so much, no matter what she’s told or hears. Your breakfast time together made tears…..Sook

    • Thanks Sook! I know everything will work out okay– and knowing that “crazy’s” parents and I are on Maya’s side (which is not good for “crazy”) will be very helpful in the upcoming court appearances. This will get fixed, THAT’S for sure.

  2. What you wrote sounds sort of like my husband’s ex’s family. The ex’s own twin sister once told me, “I love my sister but I do not respect her. ALL OF US know how ‘A***” is’.” It sure is comforting to know that we are not screaming from the mountain tops anymore, saying: “LOOK RIGHT HERE!!!”. Everyone knows. But everyone involved partakes in the bullying that the ex does because they remain silent. In the case of my in-laws’, they care more about seeing my stepsons than they do about speaking up about how badly their own son is being treated. Makes my head spin! And then, they GLOAT about what a wonderful visit they have with the boys… Oy.

    My husband and I recently caught word that his ex-father-in-law finally had it out with his daughter about what has been going on for the past decade. He’s not buying it anymore- he and I have written each other (and the ex’s twin and I have written back and forth too) and everyone sees it. They are just so repulsed by the ex that they only communicate with her over social media and things like that. Doesn’t change anything as far as us being able to even get an email back from them, but, PRAISE THE LORD

  3. PRAISE THE LORD FOR LAWYERS!!!

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