I have to admit– I’m not a fan of Father’s Day.
Sure, it may sound a bit weird for me to say so, especially being the father of two kids. And I feel really shitty about not being all that into it. But it’s now been four years that I have not been able to appreciate or enjoy Father’s Day- not one bit. And this year, it’s even more painful, stressful, and uncomfortable for me.
In 2009, Father’s Day fell on June 20th. On June 19th, my father died after a 5 year struggle with colorectal cancer. I wasn’t there; I was in New York shooting a final day of interviews for a documentary. My mom had called early in the evening to tell me that they were taking Pops to the hospital; it was bad. I planned on going home the following day, as early as possible. He died at 2:17am the following day. I could write a book about how shitty I feel about not being there. It’s a frustrating pain that will NEVER going away. Sure, many people have told me that “it’s okay,” but it’s not to me. It will never be okay to me.
In the four months leading up to his death, I tried to get my daughter Maya to see him. Easter of 2009 was the most memorable of these attempts. Pops wanted to see her, and he could not. The reason? “Crazy” was the reason. Maya’s mother refused to let me take her to see him. The “why” of it, simply enough, is that she’s a fucking asshole.
“Crazy” is an inherently horrible, disgusting, despicable, toxic, emotionally damaged excuse for a human being– that’s as kind as I can be about her. See, you have to understand that in Maya’s 7.5 years of life, I have NEVER spent a holiday with her: No Christmas eve/day, no Thanksgiving, no Easter; ONLY the day or two afterwards. Never spent a summer vacation, or ANY kind of vacation, with her– never been on a plane with her. I have never spent more than two nights with her. Never. And on that Easter in 2009, when my dad desperately wanted to see her, I practically begged “crazy” to let me take Maya to see my father; she refused…because it was Easter. Mom told me that Pops cried; Pops never cried.
As I type this out now, I am being flooded with every emotion in the fucking book– I am beyond angry, beyond sad, beyond FURIOUS. After Pops died, the ONLY way I could get Maya to the funeral was for “Crazy” to be there. Do you have any idea how HORRIBLE that was for my family to have that…fucking person there?! And she’s so oblivious that she didn’t even realize how vehemently she is hated and loathed in my family– not just for keeping Maya away from my dad in those last few months, but for all the alienating bullshit that she’s put my family through. I HATED “Crazy” being there, and it was that moment when I began to get comfortable with what will be my life-long hatred for that woman. When I tell you that I will NEVER forgive her for that…I mean, it’s just not possible for me to NOT hate her– deeply, meaningfully, and comfortably hate her. It’s a hatred that I have managed to mask from Maya. It’s a hatred that I am so comfortable with that it doesn’t manifest in any way, shape or form. There is nothing redeeming about that woman, and that is the way it will always be.
Flash forward to Father’s Day 2013. For those of you following the saga of the Single Dad, Shitty Mom blog, you know that for nearly a year now I have only seen my daughter twice, and have spoken to her on the phone three times. No contact over Thanksgiving, Halloween, her birthday, and Christmas of last year, or Easter of this year. And now we are coming up on Father’s Day. The one thing that is different this time around is that I now have a lawyer. It was hiring this lawyer that has angered and frustrated “Crazy” even more than usual, because deep down– underneath her lunacy and emotionally stunted behavior– she knows that the end is near for her. Using a letter crafted by my lawyer (which I will examine in a future post), she was informed that if she did not make Maya available to me on Father’s Day, she WILL lose custody of Maya. Personally, I think she she lose custody anyway– she is a sorry excuse for a custodial parent.
The issue at this point, chronicled here, is that she claims that Maya is “afraid” to come to my home– where I, my fiancé, and her 2 year old brother live. This is the home, mind you, that she has been visiting for the last 3 years. The home in the small village town that she LOVES…”Crazy” is telling me that Maya is afraid of that. “Crazy” won’t, however, discuss the fact that she has spent years trying to poison the well, so to speak. This is what alienators do; they brainwash the child to embrace what are seemingly irrational fears and issues. My fiancé is convinced that “Crazy” is doing this so that she can push me out of the picture, and replace me with her latest boyfriend (this is number 5 in the last 7 years). But I digress– all of this business is for a future post.
Leading up to this Father’s Day, the shit has been hitting the fan. Ever since Maya and my VERY successful brunch date from 2 months ago, “Crazy” has been crazier than usual. She tried to snub me and my mother from Maya’s communion. I’ve tried to arrange phone calls, and with the only TWO I was able to get…”Crazy” eavesdropped on one 30 minute call (prompting Maya at certain points), and the other she hung up on me. Both of these calls I have recorded, and presented to my lawyer. That’s an important side note, if you are NOT recording ALL interactions– audio and/or video– you NEED TO START!
As of today, Wednesday June 12th, I have no idea how Father’s Day will work out. I’ve contacted “Crazy’s” parents to let them know the situation; I made arrangements for my mother and I to pick Maya up from “Crazy’s” parents house. They have promised me that they will make sure that “Crazy” is long gone before we get there, which is entirely the point. As I’ve mentioned previously, “Crazy’s” parents are completely onboard with facilitating a positive relationship between Maya and I, in spite of their own daughter. On one hand, they totally understand what is going on and strongly disagree– and are disgusted– with “Crazy’s” behavior. On the other hand, they live in fear of the FACT that if they confront “Crazy,” she will alienate Maya from THEM as well. They are treading lightly, and part of me does not blame them. It’s really up to me to play hardball, and that’s exactly what I’m doing.
This is what Parental Alienation is all about. I have been living with a pit in my stomach, and a cloud of anger floating above me, for over 7 years. After the death of my father, that cloud has darkened. I don’t wear these emotions for all to see, quite frankly because these problems are mine and mine alone. They have nothing to do with my kids, or my fiancé, or family or friends– this is “My Own Private Idaho”, as it were. In the coming weeks and months, I will FINALLY have “Crazy” in a court room to answer to all of this. That moment cannot come soon enough. I do feel as if this is the very beginning of the end of this piss-poor situation.
Father’s Day will never be the same as it used to be pre-2009. Nothing will change that. The only thing that I can hope for is to have some peace with my kids and my family. That’s all that matters anyway, right?
TO BE CONTINUED*
*PS…I want to apologize for the over-all tone of this post. I know it reads as angry and bitter, but it’s honest. Please forgive the excessive profanity; I won’t make that a habit, I promise.